But I Die, Without You
by Dewey18
Summary: Without you how can I do this alone? How can I take care of our little girl? How do I go on without you? I suck at summaries, read and review pretty please ? :D
1. Chapter 1

"Cassadee!" I called, chuckling, as I raced after the small girl, her blond curls flowing out behind her. I stopped, "Cass, come on, we need to get you ready so you can we can get to your Uncle's."

She stopped abruptly, "Why?"

"Because, I have to go to work." I responded.

"Uncle Mark?" She asked, her pronunciation making me smile. "…Why?" She asked returning to her word of the day.

"So I can pay for stuff and yes, Uncle Mark."

"Why?"

"You sure are asking a lot of why's today." I observed walking over to her.

"Why?" She asked again, giggling at the face I had made at her.

"Well I don't know why silly girl. Now, come on we're going to be late."

"Ok!" She said reaching up for me to pick her up.

"Oh gosh, you're getting so big Cass." I joked; in reality she was smaller than kids her age.

"It's cuz I'm almost four!" She called giggling.

"You're not four for another three months." I said laughing at her upset face. We walked into her room where she immediately ran to get her teddy as I pulled out her close for the day. "What are they Cass?"

"Pants…" She pointed to the small blue jeans I had pulled out. "Shirt…" She said pointing to the brown long sleeved shirt. "Sweat shirt!" She said happily, she loved her black hoodie. "Chaqueta?" She asked in Spanish, having picked it up from when we spent time with her cousins in Spain.

"Yeah baby, it's getting cold outside." I said looking out the small window to see the early December snow already falling. "What is it in English, baby?"

"Jacket!" She said happily, raising her arms up.

"Good job, now lets go take a bath." I said grabbing the clothes and dropping my hand for her to hold.

When we were in the bathroom, I started running the bath, took out the pigtails from her hair and took her pajamas off. Once that was done, the water was all filled up and she got in. "You can't take a long one today baby, we're running late, no toys." Of course that didn't stop her from playing in the tub; she substituted her toys for splashing, making them both laugh.

Twenty minutes later I had managed to finish her bath, get her dried off, dressed in her clothes, both of our teeth brushed, her hair back up in pigtails, and breakfast in both of us. We left the apartment, grabbing her backpack of stuff, and headed towards the car.

"Come on, Cassy." I said dropping her hand and picking her up to tuck inside my jacket, hoping to keep her a little bit warmer.

"Snow!" She said happily observing the light flakes falling.

"Yeah, maybe tomorrow we can go sledding." I told her, worried about what that'd mean.

"Really?!" She asked happily, looking at me, her dark brown eyes large with excitement.

"Maybe, depends on if the snow sticks." I told her as we approached the car. I strapped her in, putting the blanket we had in the car to keep warm when the heater wasn't working, and headed towards my seat. "What'd you want to listen to baby girl?"

"You're song!" She said happily not taking her eyes off the snow.

"Alright." I said watching her for a moment in the mirror before I pushed in the CD, allowing 'Your Eyes' to fill the small car. The song played and brought back to me all of the feelings I tried so hard to suppress, bringing a few tears from my eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

When we were at the familiar apartment building I started knocking on the large sliding door, "Mark!" I called loudly.

"Uncle Mark!" Cass called, slapping her little hand on the door while trying to keep hold of her blanket and her teddy, I smiled down at her.

"Cassadee!" Mark exclaimed excitedly, picking her up. "How are you squirt?"

"Good." She said giggling.

"Hey man." He said over his shoulder as he carried Cassy into the apartment. "How are you?"

"Good, gotta get to work soon though, then to the pharmacy." I said nervously, thinking of the money that was left in the bank account for the week.

"Do you have enough…?" Mark asked, knowing me better than I wanted him to at times.

"Yeah, it'll just be a little tight this week." I said, turning to watch Cassadee play with one of the toys she had left the previous day.

"Cass, the rest of your toys are in your bedroom." Mark said, referring to the room that she spent all her time in while at his house.

"Yay!" She squealed running into the back room.

"So what's the plan for today?" Mark asked, sitting down next to me on the couch.

"Well I'll go to work in a few, then I have to get to the pharmacy, and then I'll come back to pick her up to go home for food until my class."

"Is she coming back over tonight?" Mark asked.

"I don't think so, it's really cold out there tonight, we got lucky the last month with the mild weather. I'm waiting to see if Maureen and Joanne can take her tonight. But with the new little one, I don't know if they'll be able to."

"If they can't take her, you know me and Alice will be happy to come over there and watch her until you get back." Mark said eager to do anything he could for his Goddaughter.

"You just want to use my daughter for the heat." I jokingly accused.

"You're so right!" He joked back, wrapping his signature scarf around his neck tighter.

"But, I will keep that in mind. How is Alice these days?" I asked.

"She's good; we're going to meet her parents tomorrow." He said excited, he really loved Alice. And he wasn't the only one, we all did, especially Cassy.

"That's great!" I said enthusiastically, Alice was what Mark needed: stability, love, honesty, and she loved his movies, I was happy that they were doing so well.

"It is, but she's worried her parents won't think so…" He said the worry apparent in his voice.

"Why? You two are great together."

"Well, it's just that she doesn't think they'll approve of my filmmaking. Not to mention the lack of an actual stable job. She is their only daughter, so I guess they're just a bit overprotective."

"I'm sure that won't go over to swell, but after they get past that part and realize that you still provide for her, keep her safe, and the fact that you two love each other I'm sure they'll just want her to be happy." I said knowingly.

"You're right." He said happy again. "But you should probably get going or you'll be late."

"You're right, thanks for watching her." I said quickly.

"You know I love watching her, she's a blast." He said excitedly.

"Cassy?" I called to her.

"Yeah?" She asked back.

"Can you come out her please?"

"Ok." Her voice was high and chipper, I chuckled at her.

"Alright Cass," I said getting down on my knees to be her height. "I gotta get going to work, be good for Uncle Mark like you always are. Ok?" I asked kissing her forehead.

"Okay…" She mumbled, hanging her head, sad.

"Hey, no sad faces!" I said tickling her sides making her giggle uncontrollably.

"Ok…I not sad…stop!" She said in between her giggling.

"Alright, be good baby." She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck. "I love you." I kissed her cheek quickly.

"Love you too." She said kissing my cheek back. I stood up, her arms still around my neck, picking her up. She laughed, "Put me down!"

I kept her in the air teasing her as I made my way to Mark, "Alright monkey, be good, I'll see you in a few hours."

"Cassy, why don't you go play with your toys?" He suggested, I realized he had something to talk about.

"Ok!" She said happily.

After she had scurried out of the room Mark turned to me, "Are you taking her to the cemetery with you tomorrow?" He asked seriously.

"I'm not sure, depends on the weather, I know she'll want to..." I said running my hand through my hair.

"You know we'll watch her."

"You have to meet Alice's parents Mark." I stated flatly.

"They can wait, you know Alice loves her and you, she wouldn't mind." He rushed.

"It's alright, I'll figure it out." I said, the sadness of what tomorrow was returning from the car ride.

"Alright call if you need us, Collin's will be here all day too." He reminded me.

"I'll keep it in mind Mark."

"Alright get out of here." He teased as he walked with me towards the door.

"I'm going, I'm going."

"Have a good day Roger."


	3. Chapter 3

It was finally seven and I was done with work. I hated working at the factory, it was cold and long and monotonous, but it paid good money, and gave Cass and me insurance.

"Hello Roger, how's Cassadee doing lately?" The young girl behind the counter of the pharmacy asked when she saw me.

"She's doing great actually!" I gushed. "She's really just a ball of energy to tell you the truth.

"That's terrific!" Emily said enthusiastically. All of the pharmacists had grown attached to Cass on her many trips with me here; Emily being the most attached both of us. "Any other prescriptions than the usual?"

"Nope, the usual sound…well like it's going to put me out of money for the next week and half to be honest." I said, glancing down into my wallet.

"Oh, I'm sorry Roger, have you talked to your doctor about getting the generic instead of the name brand?" Emily asked sympathetically her blue eyes masked with heavy concern.

"We have; they don't cover the generic, I'd have to pay for all of it alone, which is more." I pulled out enough for the two prescriptions.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She said frowning, ringing up his bill. "I wish there was more I could do for you."

"It's alright, as long as it keeps Cassy with me." I said sighing, taking the bag in my hand.

She smiled, a gooey lovey smile, "Tell her we say hi." She said before I said goodbye.

Once I had left the pharmacy counter I looked around for something small to surprise Cassy with. I always feel guilty when I pick up our medicine, she hadn't asked for this.

**AN: I know it's really short, I just wanted to get the last of what I wrote up here before I left my computer at school for the weekend. My birthday's this weekend so I'll try to update, but no promisess , Hooow do you like it? Any suggestions? I have some more already written, just needs to be typed, but I love imput. :D  
Thanks for the reviews so far 3**


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey man!" Collins said to me once he opened the door.

"Hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" I said trying to remember the last time we had seen each other.

"Roger, it was a week ago." He stated, laughing, moving to the side to let me in.

"Oh right." I said thinking back, remembering now going out to eat together with Cassy.

"Still working up at NYU?" I asked standing near him, not wanting to disturb Cass from whatever she had convinced Mark into doing with her.

"Yeah, I just got a steady class actually. It's a later, only a few times a week, class. But it's still money." He said happily searching the fridge for a beer.

"Congrats dude!" I said thrilled.

"I hear that you're doing pretty well yourself." He said knowingly.

"Yeah, they're giving me a day class."

"Psh, fancy private schools." He joked under his breath, we both laughed.

I sat quietly thinking for a moment. "I'm nervous about the change though…" I said honestly for the first time knowing Collins would share somewhat of the same feelings.

"You got nothing to worry about; half the girls in your classes are just there because you're, _Sooo Dreamy_." He joked.

I laughed with him, "You know, you're probably right."

"Well, I see congrats are in order for you as well, so…" He said gesturing towards the fridge with the beer.

"Nah, I have to pick up Cass and get her home." I said looking around for her.

"They're in the back bedroom; last I checked they were watching a really old one of Mark's movies." He said going back to what, I assumed, he had been doing before I arrived.

"Thanks man."

"Anytime." He called over his shoulder.

I walked towards the backroom that had once belonged to Mimi and I while we were looking for the apartment we still lived in.

I peered in; Mark and Cass were fast asleep cuddled up under blankets as Mark's movie from the year that we had all met played on the screen.

Mimi's face starred at me, laughing at something behind Mark. Her face lit up, her brown eyes still held the same affect on me, I couldn't tear my eyes away.

I hadn't realized tears had started to fall until it was too late, it seemed like everywhere I went today, Mimi followed.

_I can't do this without you, Mimi._ I thought towards the sky.


	5. Chapter 5

I stood in the doorway a moment more, watching Cassy as she slept, she was so small and innocent. Moments like this, when I knew she was happy and healthy and safe made everything I was doing worth it. She was why I was still here, fighting.

I walked in quietly and picked Cassy up, trying not to wake either of them up. When we got out in the living room I set her down on the couch looking for her toys.

"Daddy?" Cassy asked tiredly.

"Yeah baby?" I replied dropping the toys and walking towards her.

"Guess what!" She squealed, apparently awake, as she sat up on the couch.

"What's up Peanut?" I asked picking her up.

"I watched Uncle Mark's movie." She said happily, her eyes wide with excitement, her smile was large showing her small teeth.

"Did you? How were they?" I played along, laughing with her.

She paused, thinking. "Bonita!" She said excited, still using the Spanish she had picked up from Mimi's mother when she had visited last week.

"Really?" I asked hoping we wouldn't wake anyone up.

"Yeah! They had you on them and Uncle Mark and Auntie Mo and someone I don't know, but Uncle Mark said that it was Uncle Collins friend." She talked excitedly, "And it had Mama on it!" She clapped her hands excitedly. "She was there and you were and you guys were hugging." She rambled as I tried to keep myself together thinking of Mimi. "Uncle Mark says I look like her." She said snapping back to the little girl in my arms.

I looked at the her, her skin was much lighter than Mimi's but darker than mine, her eyes were the same color as Mimi's; dark chocolate brown, that held all of the intensity that Mimi's had. Her blond curls were all mine but her smile was bright, making her whole face light up just like Mimi's had. Cassy's personality was all Mimi as well, she was bubbly and loud, her laugh was intoxicating. "He's right baby, you look just like her." She smiled brightly. "Except for your hair, you get that from me baby."

She giggled. "Do you miss her?"

I nodded, "I do, Cass." I sighed.

"I don't member her." She said her smile fading.

"I know Cass." I said as we sat down on the couch, the sun streaming in behind us. "You were really little when it happened." I sighed, remembering the day that she left for good.

_We were in the hospital, it was only days after Cassy was born. Mimi hadn't been doing to well towards the end of her pregnancy so they had taken Cassy early. _

"_Roger." She whispered from her hospital bed. I had been sitting on the chair starring out the window at the sunny March day._

"_Mimi?" I asked moving over towards the bed._

"_Can I see my baby?" She asked quietly. She hadn't seen her much since they'd taken her, she was sleeping so much. _

"_Of course, just a second." I said quickly getting up to get a nurse to check on her first. _

_After they checked all her vitals, the nurse left to retrieve Cassy._

_When I got back to Mimi she was sitting up, looking healthier than she had in days. "Good afternoon sunshine." I said happily, bending down to kiss her cheek. _

"_It's well past morning Rog." she said laughing._

"_Oh well." I shrugged, sitting in the chair closest to her. "You look beautiful." I siad honestly._

"_You're lying, I'm sweating and my hair's a mess." _

"_I don't lie Mimi." I said seriously._

"_Alright baby. When are they brining her?" She asked anxiously. _

"_In a minute, calm down." I put my hand on top of hers. _

"_I just, I can't _wait_ Rog!" She said squeezing my hand lightly._

"_I know, Let me grab the camera that Mo and Joanne borrowed us." I got up and rummaged for the small camera. _

"_Say cheese Mommy" I teased her, clicking a picture._

"_Oh Roger, you're so mean." She said, laughing._

"_How are you feeling by the way?" I asked concerned._

"_Just a bit anxious." She lied, poorly._

"_Oh come on Mimi, tell me the truth."_

"_Well, it is taking a lot of energy and I guess I am pretty sore." She siad watching out the window, refusing to look me in the eyes. _

_I took her chin in my hand and turned it gently towards me. "You have to take it easy Mimi, you gotta get better." _

"_I know." She said looking me in the eyes now. I could see how worried she was._

"_It'll be ok, we'll take care of you." I said, brushing the hair out of her face. "And Cassy." _

_Just as I said that the nurse brought in the small bed with the bundle of pink._

"_Oh Roger." Mimi breathed as she held Cassy. _

"_She looks just like you." I siad happily, reaching for the camera. "Do you think you could take a few pictures of us together?" I asked the nurse quickly before she left. _

"_Of course." She said, smiling brightly. _

_The three of us huddled closely, Mimi holding Cassy and my arm wrapped around her. The first picture was just a regular shot of us, the second a bit closer, and the third I had turned my head towards Mimi to kiss her cheek. _

"_Thank you so much." I said as the nurse left._

"_Roger, she's so beautiful." Mimi whispered, looking down at the baby. _

"_It's because she looks like you." I replied knowingly._

"_She has your hair." She reminded me. _

"_That she does, but luckily she has everything else of yours." I teased. _

"_Oh shush." She said, struggling to keep her tone light with all the pain. "Has anyone been up here to see her?" _

"_Of course, everyone has! They all love her." I chuckled. "She gets that from you." _

"_Oh stop it, that's so not true." She said looking down at her. _

"_I called them, told them that you were awake. All four of them want to come down, are you up for it?"_

_She smiled, "Of course! I'd like to see all of them." _

_When they arrived, Mimi lit up even more. "Oh Roger make sure you get pictures of all of us." She said happily as Maureen and Joanne hovered over her and Cassy. _

_I took pictures of everyone with Mimi and Cassy. She hadn't given up the little girl since she first got her, no matter who asked._

"_Oh Melissa," I asked the nurse when she came in. "Do you think you can get a picture with all of us?" _

_She chuckled. "Sure." _

_It was a few hours later when Cassy was back in her bed sleeping and all of our friends had gone back home. _

"_Roger." She whispered surprising me, I thought she was sleeping.  _

"_Yes love?" _

"_We need to be serious now." She said struggling to speak evenly._

"_Alright."_

"_I love you, so much." she started. "Thank you for everything, for Cassy, for our house, our life, but mainly for just being you." She smiled. "I'm not good with goodbyes." _

"_Don't say goodbye then." I begged her, holding her hand._

"_Roger," She whispered, running her hands through my hair soothingly. "we have to be real. I'm not going to make it through this."_

"_Not with that attitude." I interrupted, tears coming to my eyes._

"_I'll fight as hard as I can, but Roger, please take care of her. Promise me you'll do whatever's best for her. No matter what it is." I was crying now, she was talking about her dying and giving up my daughter in the same sentence. "And if you keep her, promise me you'll teach her the guitar and you'll play my song for her, and you'll at least try to keep in touch with my family." She was crying now too._

"_I will. I promise Mimi." _

"_Thank you." She squeezed my hand. "I love you." She whispered, her breathing had become sharper, irregular. Her eyes closed and her hold lost it's grip forcing me to clench it in mine. _

"_No! Mimi you can't leave me! You can't leave us!" I cried over her._

_The nurse walked in and shut off her heart monitor. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay so this chapter's not the best... Major writersblock atm. Any thoughts ideas criticism would be lovely :D  
Love you guys 3  
xoxo Dew.

* * *

**

"Why do you look so sad, daddy?" Cassy asked, bringing me back to the present.

"No reason baby." I lied, not wanting to burden her with more of my troubles. "How about you go get your toys in your bag so we can leave?"

"Alright!" She said happily, jumping off my lap.

I watched her run around happily, just like a normal kid. _But she's not a normal kid._ I thought as she danced around, as graceful as her mother. _And it's all your fault. _

"Rog, you keep thinking that hard and you're going to melt your brain." Mark said, walking out his bedroom, laughing. "What's eating you up?"

I tired to laugh with him, "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"…Mimi." I admitted, staring at Cassy.

"I'm sorry ma--" Mark started to say.

"Daddy! I'm all done!" Cassy yelled loudly holding up the bag.

"Good job sweetie." I said quickly getting up to pick her up. "Ready to go home?" I asked her once she was in my arms. She nodded quickly and I kissed her cheek. "Thanks Mark, I'll call you tonight and tell you if I need you to babysit." I said walking towards the door.

"Alright sounds good to me." He said following us. "I'll see you two later. Love you." He said quickly as we started the descend down the stairs.

"Love you too!" Cassy said loudly over my shoulder. I laughed at her enthusiasm. "Where are we going?" She pondered while I walked quickly down the dark hallway.

"Home, baby." I replied trying to pull her as close as I could to keep her warm.

"Oh, why?" She asked confused.

"Because we live there?" I responded, more as a question.

"Oh." She said, like this was crazy. She then proceeded to yawn largely, her mouth forming a perfect 'o'.

"Tired, Cass?" I questioned before unlocking the car's door. She nodded her head, slowly as I placed her in her car seat. "We'll be home soon, kay babe?" I said wrapping her blanket around her and climbing into the front seat. "Want your song on?" I called to the backseat. When I didn't get an answer, I turned around confused. She had already fallen asleep, I paused and looked at her, smiling at how peaceful she looked.

I pushed in the CD anyways, thinking of Mimi as I drove us to our apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

As I carried her up the small flight of stairs I continued to think of Mimi. Not that that was very different, my mind was always on Mimi. I loved her, I missed her, I needed her. I sighed and pushed thoughts of her away as I laid Cassy down on the bed and exited the room looking for food to make for her dinner.

An hour later I'd finished making up some chicken and stars for Cassadee. "Good morning, princess." I whispered as she walked out of her room and rubbed her eyes. I walked over to her as she raised her arms hoping to be picked up. I chuckled and picked her up. "Did you sleep okay?"

She shook her tiny head no and laid it down on my shoulder. "I had a nightmare she admitted." I looked at her shocked and asked her what it was about. "Mommy." She said simply, my heart began to ache again. "She kept leaving me, I couldn't catch up with her, I couldn't stop her." She started to cry.

I wanted to do just that as well. I couldn't give my daughter the one thing I wanted more than anything to give her. "Oh baby, it's alright. Mommy would never leave you if she had the choice." I rubbed her back as she cried.

"Then why did she leave?" She wailed, her tears intensifying.

"Mommy was sick baby, she didn't have a choice." I explained quietly, willing myself not to cry with her.

"What was wrong with her?" She asked innocently tears still falling from her big brown eyes.

"She had a bad disease called AIDS." I said not knowing any way to make it simpler for her to understand.

"What's that?" She asked sniffling as I sat her down in a chair.

"It's a disease where it hurts the things in your body that get you over being sick."

"Oh." She said, still looking confused.

"Yes, now eat some soup so we can get you all ready." I kissed the top of her head and stood up to get myself something to eat.


End file.
